great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
