i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
