If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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