I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
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