I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
