I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
We need a shit load of segways right now
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
