I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Drake has all the answers
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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