Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
