Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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