I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I need a beard to bite.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Randomize
