I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Randomize
