Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
We need to get me chipped asap
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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