I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Randomize
