She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize