So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
