Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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