I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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