Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
