hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
