i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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