my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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