buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Randomize
