I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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