I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
