the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I have aggressive nipples.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
