we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
You were trust falling into bushes
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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