she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
