Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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