Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
