she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
