Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
i now understand why vodka
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
