You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
