this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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