i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Randomize
