phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
