You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
