I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
