We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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