The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
