i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
