I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Randomize
