i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize