No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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