Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Randomize
