All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
