Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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