This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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