that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
