It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
