Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
i think i have two assholes
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
