You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Also, beer. Big fan.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
