I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
