It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
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