I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize