Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
