I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
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