im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
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