Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
