i jhust puked up my retainher.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
