its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Ketchup is God's man juice
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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