I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
