theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
