i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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